I have been doing a lot of praying lately. I have always found that I pray regularly, but I do not think that I have ever in my life felt this BROKEN. I have always been the strong one. I have always been able to convince my heart to do what my mind wants, but not lately. Every molecule of my being wants my marriage back. I want to hear the rhythm of my husbands breathing at night next to me. But at this point, I believe that I am the only one who wants this. On Monday, I heard from someone that my husband was at Target with another woman. He insists that he was there with her because she is his friend’s cousin who needed a ride. I don’t believe him. I don’t understand how he can spend time with another woman after us being apart for such a short time. We spent 10 years together. This hurts. It would hurt less to chew my right arm off. After speaking to him on Monday about the event with another woman, I have decided that I will not be speaking to him on a social level. I will no longer help him with the day to day tasks that I have continued to help him with since he left. It has been 3 days since I have had any conversation with him. He knows that I am hurt. I do not think that he realizes how broken I am though. I don’t think that he realizes that I cry every day. I don’t think that he realizes that I pray for him daily both in my personal prayer s and with our children. For the last 2 days a line from the song “On My Own” from the Les Miserables soundtrack keeps going through my mind. That line is “Without me, his world will go on turning”. Why does it have to hurt so much that his world is continuing while mine is stopped? I mean, I am taking care of the day to day stuff. Most people have no clue how hurt I am or how sad I am. In my entire life, I have never felt this. I do not understand why I do not have the same control over myself that I always have had in the past. I want to suppress my feelings and have everyone believe that I am fine! I want to be fine! Okay, I have to stop thinking about this now. I am getting a headache from crying!
Onto something better, I have decided that starting today through Thanksgiving Day, I am going to post daily something that I am thankful for.
So today, I am thankful for my wonderful small group of friends that I have. I appreciate you all so very much. I am so grateful for each of you and the amount that you enrich my life. Kerrie, I can never tell you how thankful I am for our friendship. You have been through hell 7 high water with me and never left my side. Your husband rebaptized me and you escorted me through the Temple. You will truly NEVER know how much you mean to me.
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